10.07.08
this is real enough now, tnx.
earson:
eyeson:
thoughton:
if there's something about this breathing in and out thing that i'm familiar with by now, it's that it's unpredictable. anything can happen between this moment and that moment .. car accidents, pregnancy, abandonment, desire, absolution, evolution, destruction. so 2 things ..
i'd kind of prayed. i mean, i'd sat and i'd thought to God that maybe like always he could send me some way to get out of this mess that i'm in financially .. again. or at least to give me a thumbs-up so that i didn't feel one breath away from exhaling my last. he gave it to me .. a check, i'd overpaid my cell phone bill $130 and today i opened the mail and they'd sent it back to me. i can partially eliminate my overdraft that i created to pay the cell and internet bills. for this i am thankful, and proud that i can say my faith in What's Up There is renewed yet again.
but you know, the leaves have to fall down .. they're pretty .. but they have to come down. a good rain'll do it .. the morning before the sky is on fire, and then the morning after the ground is a brilliant slurry, a driven-down blanket, above the glittering bones.
so meagan left. meagan's my niece, she's been living with us since soon after high school ended. i can't remember how much of this story i've told already, but basically i feel as though i've been caring for her since then. back and forth from a job she got and lost, back and forth from school even though at the end i knew she wasn't really going any more and i was just dropping her off downtown so her friends could pick her up .. food, work clothes .. even spent every penny of my paycheck this past week so that she could have internet and a working cell. .. so we were best friends. sort of. we shared music, clothes, the same people annoyed the fuck out of us. i mean i really believed this, i thought she was the human being that was closest to me. i knew she used me every once in awhile for everything from cooking her dinner to allowing her to sleep in my bed while i slept on the floor rather than wake her, yeah, i knew that. i allowed that, i loved her that much.
so i thought she'd tell me everything.
this week i spent eating ramen i told her she was the best thing, she saved me, she was the only sane supportive person left here for me. she ALLOWED me to do this, tell her how much she meant to me. ALL THE WHILE. she was making plans to move to massachusetts. to live with her boyfriend. she told me i was taking her to school. i can't believe i bought it, i can't believe i didn't notice then that all of her crap except for that bookbag was already gone. so she -dissappeared- this weekend. leaving me with her mother screaming at me for her phone records, her grandmother constantly badgering me for word from her. you know what? this is how i feel today. i may not feel the same way tomorrow, in fact i know i won't.
but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it, meagan? you're a using, conniving, heartless motherfucking bitch just like your mother. you took advantage of my open heart, my open wallet, you bloodsucking fuck. i gave you everything, literally! everything! i would have thrown myself under a bus for you, i would have done ANYTHING to make you happy and keep you safe and not only did you lie to me but you left without saying goodbye? knowing? wow, just wow. my heart is utterly broken, it's in pieces. you decided to go without a word because you didn't want to be 'judged?' no, no, that's not it. i don't believe you. you left because you didn't want to hear any objections, your myspace says it all, if you don't like it, change it. well, good luck with your change! happy trails without a college education, a job, or money! did you sell the cell i bought you, too? is that gone, too?
i've DELETED you. you're gone, everything is gone now. my love for you is liquid, it's leaked out, i can't believe this!
i watch victor fly away on an airplane just a week after zoe was born. i stood. in the giant plate glass window, when it was still legal for you to be in the terminal, i was 21 and clutching the handle of the brand new stroller wondering WTF to do next. every time he came to see us i asked him to take us with him, the last time i was ON THE FLOOR ON MY BELLY begging him not to go! he left.
i sell everything i own, i abandon my family and use all of my savings to move across the country to CA to be with kia. together, we whittle each other down to prickly nothings. that's all done.
i get HOME and i have all of this faith in you laura, i have all this faith that your strength will help me through this terrible transition, you supported me through everything that happened in CA but i realize you WEREN'T ROOTING FOR ME? YOU WERE GLAD I WAS FAILING! you could have left it at 'well, this isn't really working out for me, i like my space' but instead you attacked my emotional well-being and you stripped me of trust in you, you told me you thought i was troubled and you wished you weren't part of your family. you kicked me out - you kicked me AND my child out.
i wanted to save you, meagan. i changed your diapers, i got you off the bus every day after kindergarten, i told you your curly hair was beautiful. i changed your bed when you had accidents, i read you stories, i took you out into the trails and told you about the fairies. you walked down the street to my house, i REMEMBERED you when they FORGOT you. I TRUSTED YOU, I LOVED YOU, I THREW MYSELF INTO YOU. and now you're gone, too.
great, now, great. my heart is in pieces, pieces. but you know, it's nothing new? i'm so used to losing and being alone that i'm already numb and i already hate you. it's clearly not difficult for me any more, i've become rigid and still.
i'll just return to craving the earth, i'll dig in the ground, i'll put my toes in sand and i'll bury my lips against the edge of the blanket and try to remember that no matter what's happened! that faith is still a good thing and love is something you encourage in yourself. i'll keep trying because zoe really needs me and wants me to tickle her awake in about 2hrs. i'm going to try my best not to think she's gonna fuck me over like all of you have. i really am.
written at 5:22 a.m.
