10.01.08
my bones are earth and leaves
earson:
eyeson:
thoughton:
i haven't been writing very much here, but i've been thinking a lot.
i had a dream early this morning that i was working as an LNA overnight in a huge hospital and i fell asleep while on the job .. i was fired that morning and spent the rest of the dream wandering around this enormous hospital. i remember pieces .. climbing these stairs straight out of a dr. seuss book, metal and red and twisting. i had zoe with me and we got to the top and there was nowhere further to climb to .. the stairs were -unattached- to anything and were swaying back and forth like a stalk in a breeze. i was so scared but i was trying to be brave for zoe .. pointlessly, endlessly wandering through this huge hospital with no idea what to do ..
i've felt better, lately .. better every day, increasingly self-aware .. self-discovering, self-searching. i use a little trowel with an orange handle to dig holes in the yard where there's no grass just to smell the fresh earth and see what's down there. i ride my niece's bike, i take walks just to feel the strain in my muscles. i open my windows even when it's raining, even when it's cold just to smell the outdoor air and to hear the trees whispering - creaking - to hear everything breathing outside. i -like- the noise of chainsaws in the distance and of duck guns, canadian geese overhead, i like seeing the brilliant leaves .. i -enjoy- avoiding dumb squirrels in the road and peeking out the front door window to spy on the chipmunks who live under the front stairs. i love the evidence of night-time animals, the giant bed of soft moss that grows against the north side of the house, against the chimney. walking in flip-flops across wet grass and soft, perfumed ground. it's something else, this beautiful place.
it inspires me, but i've discovered something .. i've become .. weaker, i haven't been doing as much .. i just went out on the bike -ONCE- and halfway around the block my calves were SCREAMING! then later i scrubbed down the bathroom, everything but the tub .. even the walls .. and my chest felt tight, my arms and my back ached. how sad, how sad. so i'm trying to work on this a bit more vigorously before the snow and cold sets in.
i've been listening to a lot of different music lately, most recently listened to a little of 'the cake sale' .. has good tracks and bad .. trying to find me another reindeer section / the weepies / tegan and sarah to tame my quiet folkie hunger. just wet my palette on some good ol' alternative today .. i still like it, but not as much. i guess i'm not into the perpetual 'whine' of that kind of music any more.
so .. basically good .. except for the usual annoyances, crazy moms and the yearning to have my own space. reclaiming my own energy if i were so inclined, re-possessing myself! i am my own! lawlz.
you should listen to the weepies - somebody loved .. like now!
written at 10:16 p.m.
