08.20.08
wtf birthday?!
earson:
eyeson:
thoughton:
zoe turns 7 next tuesday and the birthday party is this weekend. i have a few things on my mind .. the first things have to do with the party itself, namely the cake and the gifties and the invitees. 5 children under 10yrs is a lot .. only one has confirmed so far, so that's pretty fine with me. the ice cream cake Z wants costs $21 .. she'd like webkinz, bratz dolls, and a pokemon backpack for her 1st day of school. this is all fine .. except that i have $50 to my name until next thursday. compounding this! do you remember my terrible ice accident in january? the other person's insurance is STILL hassling me for $12k i don't have. i feel like calling them up and filling them in. i'm a single parent living at home, i have no savings and my mother is disabled. my father just got a paycut and is struggling with the oil bills. C'MON NOW. where is this money gonna come from, the money fairy?
the other thing is that i've been thinking about last year at this time. zoe's father was in town visiting her. ex-boyfriend and i were - at that point - not-speaking, not-fucking, i-hate-your-face roommates. and well, i may still have had a sliver of hope for our relationship despite all of that. at Z's birthday party costs blew through the roof but ex-boyfriend was very calm, composed, pulling out his credit card for everything. i think he knew this was the last stand, i realized this today. i think he knew he was going to tell me it was over ASAP and his guilt made him tug out that plastic all day long. because that night, after the party, he told me he didn't think he could do 'this' any more while i was sitting on the floor wrapped in a blanket non-cuddling him while he sat above me on the couch. for the rest of that week z's father helped me get things to move out with, and thank goodness he was there for the fallout because if i'd been alone i think i would have lost my marbles.
a lot, lot on my brain. thank goodness october has 3 paychecks in it, that's catch-up money. maybe this anniversary is just another little poke in the girlnuts, too, that i should try to put the engagement ring on ebay.
what the fuck that my daughter's b-day is now eternally linked to such a terrible circumstance.
written at 5:33 p.m.
