08.19.09
i guess i'm sick, and i'm tired of you being angry w/me.
earson: LYMPH NODES, APPARENTLY
eyeson: other people's blogs, mIRC nonsense
thoughton: you know, i couldn't have been nicer. why won't you relent?
an update about yesterday's MD's visit:
i have no abcess or sign of bacterial infection, which is good. what i -do- have are really enlarged lymph nodes. my MD's recommending big doses of advil (800mg doses) to keep the inflammation down, and because i'm showing no signs of currently having a cold, there will be blood testing tomorrow. we're testing for .. elevated white cell count, mono, HIV, CMV .. and a couple of other things, just to see if there's any underlying problems. she says if there's no improvement in the next few days we're going to try prednisone, which is .. a fail drug that makes me gain weight, increases my manic episodes, and makes me moody as shit.
all i can say is, those lymph nodes must be big motherfuckers to make my jaw click and hurt.
later: this is for you, a rant. i'm ready to cry. i mean really bawl, really let it out, because i can't stand the way you never awknowledged me in public but you're so cruel, you're so cruel, you say things to her in public constantly - you say hello - you converse - WHY?! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT ME? i'm already broken, i've already been broken, i'm tired, i'm crushed, i'm having trouble recovering and you're unbearable. please stop. please stop. please stop. please stop, please stop. i don't love you, i never loved you, the commitment was cursory, i apologized several times, i left the door open, you shut it in my face and then kicked it in. fuck you. really fuck you. you don't understand? you don't know what i went through, what it would take for me to trust or to have faith in you? what the fuck reason do you have to continue to rattle me? i'm so done, could you disappear? stop it. stop stop stop stop stop
written at 3:53 p.m.
