08.02.09
the time is now
earson: hammered dulcimer, ingrid michaelson station on pandora, guitar tapping revisited
eyeson: paintings, pictures, youtube music vids
thoughton: mortality
haha, i left the tardiness entry up -way- too long.
have spent the past week thinking a lot about mortality - seems my grandfather's taken a turn for the worse and went from driving his car and eating OK to extremely weak and bedbound. hospice nurses are giving him 2-3wks.
it's difficult to describe how i've felt. i've thought about how to sketch it for you, i've had my pencil to the paper for a long time, but. nothing really clear has come. i guess i can say, to the best of my ability - i dreaded seeing him. i didn't -want- to see him, i couldn't, i thought of things to try to put it off or excuses not to go. but yesterday i called my uncle in tears to tell him i had to work and couldn't visit and he said "the time to come is now. it's up to you," in such a voice. i've never heard that voice, i don't think. i've written about that voice, swallowed with grief and edged in bitterness, choked with tears and the real, grim decisions you have to make about a dying parent. so i called out of work and i went.
if you can imagine, the assisted living apartment he's in is new-looking. the windows are giant, it's two rooms but they're full of light .. he was lying in bed, it's a glorified hospital bed .. sat down beside him with my uncle and talked about a nice end-of-life care home that he might go to. when i was alone with him i told him i regreted not trying to buy one of his antique Honda touring motorcycles while he had them for sale, because riding on them with him was one of my favorite memories. he smiled. then he pointed to his belly and felt a bump and told me to feel it too. he said 'that's not natural, is it?' and i said 'wow,' after feeling it, 'is an alien gonna try to come out of there?' and he laughed without noise so i could see his blackened teeth. i talked for a little while longer, but he seemed to want to rest .. but i told my uncle he was right, that i felt better, that it was good to go and good to visit. i'll probably head back up tomorrow or tuesday, just to touch base again.
i went for a drive through smuggler's notch .. it's a mountain overpass. my uncle recommended i do this after he hugged me goodbye, i decided it was a good idea .. now .. i've never seen a sign that said 'road stripes end,' before, but. apparently this means that the road you're traversing will shortly become a 1 lane autobahn around parked tourists, enormous boulders, and cliff waterfalls. i wish i'd taken a pic of it.
i also went for a long, long walk down by the lake with zoe ..
written at 6:24 p.m.
