07.30.08
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earson:
eyeson:
thoughton:
listening to:.: dashboard, old rufus wainwright, tegan and sarah - i was married (play below)
watching:.: animal planet, youtube videos
reading:.: dreamnotoftoday.com, cnn.com, msnbc.com, diaries, miss you radiotower
some days i feel like it's all going to work out ok, and other days - like today - i hope for an easy way out. all of this nonsense with my neice has overdrawn my checking account an astronomical amount, which means i've spent this entire month without -any- money whatsoever. i can't describe to you how much having nothing really gets to me, although i'm sure most of you already understand.
i feel like i should be writing something .. when i'm talking to someone else i feel it's there easily, acessible, touchable .. when i'm alone it's hard to place, even more difficult to find a place to start and the concentration to continue.
today i feel like my electronic life has eaten everything else. i feel as though i need another break from my computer and everything associated with it .. but then what would i have without it? literally working, eating, sleeping, and television. and i nearly didn't leave that in there because it's incredibly embarassing, incredibly true. i don't go out and visit friends (i don't have any,) i don't go to parties, rock shows, nobody calls me on my cell phone. this is mostly my fault, but i wouldn't know where to begin to fix it. my social skills are hopelessly stunted, i don't even know how to talk to humans face-to-face any more. my mother only corners me to talk about how much pain she's in - at -whatever opportunity occurs.-
since the ulcer in my eye any great deal of sunlight gives me pain and makes me nauseous. a great deal of -any- light does this, making me feel extra strange because i kinda like the warm feeling of sunshine on my skin.
i should just give it up and dedicate myself to becoming a writer .. just get a novel out of the way and try to get it published because really, i think my disposition was just handmade for rural hermit-ness. i also wasn't made to be someone's mother at ALL, of course you never know that until you give birth and begin to attempt to raise a little person on your own. i have too much of a temper, i can't STAND being interrupted or woken out of a dead sleep .. especially since it takes so much for me just to focus or rest .. and that's part of a child's function, to break your focus and sleep with their little stinky feet in your face.
anyway .. the coffee is helping .. feeling a tiny bit better. tomorrow i'll cash my check, save whatever for my car payment, then take what's left of it to fill up my car and buy groceries. then .. that'll be all she wrote until the 12th or something hideous like that. and my eye doctor is like it's EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you come in for your follow-up with me like yesterday, it's EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that i see you ..
written at 5:26 p.m.
