07.17.08
all in the design
earson:
eyeson:
thoughton:
because my gold membership is on a temporary hiatus:
listening :.: lots of queen, barenaked ladies
reading :.: blogs, CNN, postsecret
watching :.: sex & the city, 3000 B.C., wall-e, MTV
--
since sunday, simply working. eating, sleeping, dreaming about the weekend when i'll go out to brunch and get a pedicure. my ex's daughter got a cell phone and put me in her contacts, she left me a voicemail the other day .. it threw me .. do you still -speak- to this child you tried to help raise for 2 years or do you gently discourage contact? i suppose that's a decision i have to make.
was watching the last sex & the city. now i know that this series didn't go the deepest, but in it a character DOES move to paris and then regrets it because she realizes she doesn't even know the person she's moved in with. she's alone without her friends or familiar spaces, she's lonely and sad. when she tells her boyfriend she doesn't want to be with him anymore she seems to blame herself.
i was wondering .. whether or not i should take some responsibility. i a) waited too long to tell him i was unhappy and b)waited around knowing that i didn't intend to stay OR marry him. for this i take responsibility. i'm so very sorry that i didn't just leave when i knew that i didn't want to be with you forever, that was completely unfair of me. but to be honest, i didn't have anywhere to go and no money to do it with. i had to be forced to make the move .. maybe i still had a little hope, too, that we would be OK. i know i had hope. i wanted to be happier, to love you more, to take care of you so much better .. but at the time i was so sad i'd turned my face from everything, including you. i let it go too far. i'd fallen out of love with you, i'd fallen out of LIKE with you. i wished for a way out AND a way back in.
i guess i should say i didn't really want to go in the first place. i'd already begun to doubt if i wanted to marry you before i even moved there. i should have simply nipped it in the bud, but again .. i had a hope .. that i was just scared ..
for now i'm happy, happy. i'm feeling eggcellent, as much as i can, i'm finally mostly -well- and not sick after all of those months of feeling crappeh .. i DON'T want to date anyone else for now, maybe never, too much trouble. i enjoy the quietness, being alone. maybe i'm just too self-absorbed to commit wholly to another person besides Z .. she's plenty enough.
written at 9:30 p.m.
