06.04.08
i'd like to be lethally injected at 70
earson: metro station - shake it, dashboard confessional - summer skin
eyeson: old episodes of charmed, world of warcraft, (d)n0t, CNN
thoughton: burlington housing authority .. skin .. mother .. bad dreams about blindness
been busy the past few weeks talking about the book with no progress, helping Z finish school .. between my home and my work i live in a virtual cauldron of sickness ..
my mother fell down at a mini golf establishment. she bumped her knee and a couple of other things, including her hip. at the time, her knee hurt the most and this pain eventually subsided. pain in her hip worsened. she's been to 5 doctors and the ER, we've finally determined that she probably has a hairline fracture in her hip and possibly a tendon tear or strain. she got out her wheelchair from her back surgery, also her walker .. she's been wheeling around complaining and panting and ..
ok. i'll admit something to you. i feel like a cruel, cruel person. i feel that bit of me is unfettered and snarling right now. i'm so sick of her complaining i just want to throw momma from the train. i know about the classic COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder, aka lots of phlegm)behavior, the neediness, the blame, the demanding-ness, the picky-ness and she has ALL of these. i know she's in pain folks, i know she can hardly move and she's having terrible trouble breathing when she does but HOLY FUCK, can she just stop talking about how sick she is for 2 seconds?! she complains so much about how dirty the house is that i'm immune to it, i no longer care about it at all whatsoever.
she says she doesn't want me to put Z in daycare for some of the summer but i think in order to get some rest i'll have to. she doesn't get up until 10AM most of the time and i just can't wait until then every day to finally lay down.
OMG! and school is ending, and i've volunteered every day for my daughter's afternoon stuff, AND i'm going to her picnic, AND my neice is graduating this weekend AND ..
so many things are happening right now. so stressful. and all i want, all i need is a moment to myself and when i take it, i'm a lazy bitch or i spend too much money or my priorities are out of order. c'mon now!
i think i'm going to have to clear my schedule this week in my game .. i just don't have room .. i wish i could sleep a whole day and not be chastised, the day is coming, Z is being picked up by her father on the 22nd and he's taking her to his house for 10 days .. i'm both looking forward to it and petrified of it ..
written at 1:11 a.m.
