05.20.09
it stared, not unkindly, into the glittering red dark
earson:
eyeson:
thoughton:
someone asked me how i was and it's taken me a long time to decide exactly how to answer this question.
my mood has changed abruptly in the past couple of weeks - having to do with recurring dreams, the unpacking of 2 year old boxes, and the advent of a strange new and old lonliness.
since i came back from california - up until just a little ago - i've only felt relief that i didn't have a boyfriend in my life, what a hassle, what a heartbreak, what a revolting burden. .. but then .. this weekend, this monday, that lunchtime .. this feeling came over me about the non-descript empty plastic chair across from me at the table and i felt my lungs swell, felt my bones ache ..
.. for that touch, that smile, the brush of a hip against my hip in the kitchen .. i remember those incredible frozen mochas he'd make and i wonder WHY i never tried to make him a meal. laying on the couch with cologne-fragranced skin, dark curls of hair nested against my thighs and sifting through it with fingertips while the television flickers .. soft breathing, morning noise, riding in the car, all of those small things sat like a ghost in that empty chair and stared at me with huge empty eyes. imploring, palms down on the tabletop.
and i felt overwhelmingly lonely.
crushed by it, sort of, and horribly sad that there was noone waiting for me and noone to call to ask if i need to bring home dinner.
so i guess i kind of hit the wall .. . in so many ways, this week. we'll see what the rest of the days bring.
written at 3:15 p.m.
