04.24.08
when you gonna love you
earson: winter - tori amos, 'handlebars'
eyeson: finished the name of the wind, what next?
thoughton: i AM that girl, shit!
i had a terrible set of dreams today. absolutely horrible .. you know that sometimes your dreams can be the silver spoon reflection of your actual thoughts: warped, upside down, but generally recognizable .. well these were the mirror image and slightly to the left.
i dreamt about my video game. i dreamt i was in it. i dreamt that i was a character inside the game and things were happening to me there, like i'd built a house at the foot of a giant smouldering 'temple' that was obviously the entrance to some horrible monster-filled place. i dreamt that my guild leader hated me, that people in my real life hated me. the waking part of me seemed to be watching, appalled, hardly resting.
i have so many more deep seated security issues now, that's clear .. i've become less confident in everything i do, including my job. the people that i used to know loved me and were on my team have now changed their flags, they root for the opposition. they disapprove of everything about me which - in turn - makes me disapprove of myself.
and then there's the constant barrage of bad news, sickness, loss of focus. i don't know what's cool about me any more, or if there's any of that left. i worry so much more than i used to about the approval of other people it's like limping, i have a dead limb, i can't honestly remember allowing myself to be affected so much by the various of other people's views.
so i think it all comes to a head when i try to sleep. creeping into my rest this week, too, is the idea that my child is in the house on vay-k from school and i want to spend time with her, but she's driving me a tiny bit crazy and i can't -sleep- to the sound of her voice, her chatter grabs at my heart and ropes me in. i want to be with her but i want to fall into blackness and simply sleep sleep sleep
written at 2:45 a.m.
