04.06.09
dooplisitee.
earson:
eyeson:
thoughton:
i'm full of duplicity. there's something terribly complex or completely stupid about thinking of everything in two completely different ways .. you begin to wonder if you're mentally ill and then decide you're playing your own devil's advocate, like a shakespearean soliloquy. in front of the audience you weigh your options, you vent your rage and your sorrow, and you decide your revenge. i don't know ..
on one hand i'd like to fix all of my financial problems and on the other i dread dealing with them - they have their own monument, a pile of mostly unopened mail on nearly every flat surface in my room. 2 years worth.
on one hand i'd love to move out of my house and have my own space - i'm frightened of one day, by accident, being saddled with my mother's total care just because i'm there. on the other hand my parent's house is safe and cozy and beautiful, and the help is right there when i need it.
on one hand there is a part of my life that i know isn't good for my current state of mind but the pure habit of it brings me back time and time again. it causes stress, it sucks up my time, it starves me of sleep ..
i guess i see a trend when i write it out. i tend to like to be comfortable and safe as opposed to putting myself out there. i have always been this way, but much moreso lately .. probably because in my life i have been so stressed out or freaked out or uncomfortable or feeling unsafe that i feel incredibly afraid of putting myself into that space again.
fewh!
yep, all true.
the sunrise was so beautiful this morning. i was driving through the bay on my way to work and you don't realize that you're missing the magnificence of REFLECTION until the water is thawed and the entire spectacle is x2 in the water. it was lip gloss pink and it's a boy blue .. it's going to rain today and the clouds are low, the mountains were rolling black silhouettes ..
written at 8:03 a.m.
