03.17.04
wah.
earson: dashboard confessional - hands down
eyeson: JANE magazine - an article on *voluntary* female genital mutilation!
thoughton: i wasn't cut out for this mommy crap.
so x isn't coming to us .. we're going to him. and i'm driving to PA. and i'm staying in his house. .. i don't know what to do. he's entitled to want zoe to meet his mother - she's pretty ill, going on eighty. but 6 hours in the car to spend 5 days of tense awful yuck ..
von says he wants an 'intense, serious relationship.' but he's going back to berlin in may. too soon to freak out about him, i suppose. haven't even met him yet. and he explained a little something that i found about him when i did a google search - discovered a transvestite film that wore his name as co-writer. he had a looonng story about it. used to be a womanizer. .. . am i right to feel apprehensive about this .. ?
and: rememeber the concealer? so today i come downstairs from my shower and the baby is *naked,* *covered* in mascera. she looks like a goth clown, black lips, black all around her eyes .. her stomach, her arms, her legs, feet, all over .. and i just. i couldn't help it. i got really angry with her. she even *says* to me when i approach her: 'mommy, look, i got your grown-up!' i was so mean to her before i dropped her off at daycare. i feel like the Meanest Mommy on Earth. i guess i just can't ignore things when she talks back to me, anymore. she's old enough to know the consequences of her actions. a co-worker has suggested a 'time-out' chair in the living room to employ when the baby misbehaves. i'm such a wuss. how in the *world* am i going to do this? i can't let her wander around yelling at me, hitting me, doing things she knows she's not supposed to be doing .. ? i can't be a wuss. i'm not made to be the daddy, dammit.
-e
p.s. irishblueyes: i *love* dashboard confessional. *and* naked brad pitt. so neah.
written at 8:00 p.m.
