03.12.04
fertility - concealer - off the balcony
earson: chop suey! - system of a down
eyeson: angels in america: perestroika - tony kushner
thoughton: moving stress - why am i doing this college thing, anyway?!
i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way.
sulane had a dream that hedley sat in a chair at her bedside, knitting yellow baby booties. hedley's hair was carefully coiffed in the dream .. she wore a housedress circa 1952 and her legs were crossed at the ankles. the hospital light seemed to suit hedley .. in the sterile flourescent she was angelic and soft at the edges, her face delicate - healthy - sweet. in the dream hedley seemed like she'd been sleeping, like she'd been eating, like she'd stopped taking the pills. and when sulane tried to tell her how beautiful she was, moths covered her tongue and fluttered out into the room in a plague-like swarm and hedley leapt to her feet, pointing hysterically with her knitting needle: whenever you open your mouth, the most horrible things come out! she shrieked without shrieking, fleeing the room. the yellow booties in the chair she'd left came apart slowly, then, leaving only a pile of yarn behind. sulane sobbed, softly, for the feet that would never be.
"sulane .. ? sulane, thank god, sulane .. su .. su why are you crying?"
"hedley, the baby is dead."
"what baby?"
"it would have looked just like you. or my mother."
"sulane. there was no baby .. ? what are you talking about .. ?"
"are you there?"
"you can see me, can't you?"
"he's dead. he's dead now."
"not yet. we'll talk about that later."
"no, now. now. now .. "
"don't sit up, sulane ..
[a groan.]
.. you bruised all of the muscles in your stomach. you'll be stiff for awhile."
"i dreamt we were having a baby."
"james is dead."
"good. we'll call him jimmy from now on, bastard."
"that guy from the cafe pushed him off the balcony."
--
the baby got ahold of my concealer. she made artwork out of the television. i don't know if i should chide her for her disobedience or praise her for her intuitive interpretation of nickelodeon.
-e
written at 6:31 p.m.
