02.15.08
indie doesn't have to mean personal neglect?!
earson: who are you to wave your finger .. you must have been HIGH tool - the pot
eyeson: the snow, a good test, it's OK, it's not whatever if i still try, ADULT SWIM death note, shin chan
thoughton: oil changes, stopping by the gym, personal improvements
a few years ago when i'd begun this diary i discovered i was writing so many negative things that i'd resolved to include at least one beautiful thing from every day .. i remembered that in the car as i was driving, yesterday.
the snow was floating, flakes were wandering down .. they were the big, fat flakes you see when the air is moist outside and way up in the atmosphere they'd decided to cling together. every branch of every tree had a narrow blanket of white, have you ever seen the shows on public broadcasting that teach you how to paint snow on a branch? .. it was exactly like this, meticulous, everywhere. even the road was still pale and the dirty drifts were covered over so that it was pristine .. i felt peaceful and opened the window a little to smell that copper penny smell of wintertime, to feel the tiny kiss of snowflakes on my cheek and my ear and my arm .. that made me want to just pull over, get out, and roll around in it. in amongst all of the crazy things that have happened in the past few months, i recalled that i couldn't wait for this; that i couldn't live without this; and i felt glad.
sometimes higher powers also deign to remind you that you're OK. last night while i was at work my charge nurse twisted her ankle. i helped her put ice on it, prop it up, i reassured her and made sure she was supported. she said that she always knew i'd make a good LNA, and then a good RN someday. this was just the reassurance i needed .. the past few days i've come to nearly regret my decision, feeling i've taken on too much. .. but this is it, this is still good, (dave, i got your text) .. it's totally alright. i can make it.
i got a 94% average in the class and a 93% on the test. only 7 wrong in 100 questions. GO ME.
now it's just time to tackle my body issues and the idea that i'll be alone .. time to tackle financial burdens and carefully strive ahead without worrying too much about getting out of my parent's house. i've realized that that shouldn't be such a priority, since my child is in a good situation and is happy, well cared for ..
today seems more beautiful now that i remember that i longed so much for this, that i pined for the smell of winter. now it's here! i'm going to enjoy it.
written at 9:49 a.m.
